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poem needs help-anyone?

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working on this for a while now...still reads more like a historical narrative than a poem.  any ideas?


Lost Warrior
In the sixth month of the third year of the new century
after trials of September last-a new test closer by far to home
an evening of anguish, giant clouds fill the western sky
but clouds not of heaven's reward, but of terror

Our mountain radio repeats all eve-worry not this monster is attended
it's giant pyre grotesque in brilliant June moonlight
local leaders have offered help-'we got this' the reply
by the wee hours we sleep in cozy homes, camps or cabins troubled not

Morning brings a bright new day-until we step outside
western sky obscured, hiding the maelstrom within
hot, dry winds turn this firestorm into nature never seen before
one can see, knows what can happen, he knows what must be done

Soon this churning destruction has a name-Rodeo-sinister in origin
ages ago The Lord asked 'Whom shall I send, who will go for us?'
and going are warriors in brilliant yellow tunics calling out as one 'Send me'
in the lead is Rick Lupe, bred of Apache blood and vested by years of wildfire

After the warriors are pushed back from the first real skirmish
highly regarded, much loved civic leaders tell us we must go
important people in choppers and Learjets come to our mountain
they draw the worlds attention, but will not dig a foot of fireline

Rick Lupe led his crews' final stand, our community at their backs
it has since gone down in fire lore-defense of the Hiway 60 line
with a few dozen hotshots and a half dozen bulldozers, help days away
they burned out, bulldozed and starved the maelstrom

18 hours straight our warriors held fast the line
few photos, a single fleeting interview by Rick Lupe
gone home, gone to ground, the dreams of the warriors untroubled
the sweet sleep of the victorious, want of adulation not

almost to the day a year after the geneses of Rodeo
we lose our warrior Rick Lupe, a victim himself of fire
his parents brought him to us, wildfire grew him into native lore
a man of few pictures, at home within Apache soil, never to be forgotten

le 12/18



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I go for shorter, more lymric and more of an anthem myself--not what you are going after but here is light version:

It was the 3rd June in O'Three

When a new he!! called us to be

An evening of anguish as giant blooms fill the sky

Not of the heavens but from a devilish guy


The next morn brings hope until we see

That the winds have stirred the flames like a hive full of angry bee

The maelstrom has gone unwrangled

How appropriate this Rodeo leaves everything in its path mangled


The Lord once asked who shall I send, who will go for us

The warriors respond like armies, including our leader who goes without fuss

Lupe leads his men of courage

Send one send all as we make a stand to steal this beast's forage


Lupe and his men succeed

Despite the wrath of the fire that only wants to be freed

Lupe will go home to be heroic ever more

To his native land, Apache to the core


A year after this victorious fight

We lost this man, full of might

This tribute is to this great man

Who gave his life for all in yet another stand

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