My son

[Coues Sniper]

Can't even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Coues 'n' Sheep]

 

 

Kent, my thoughts have truned to you and your family many times this week. The slide show was very nice thank you for allowing us to see it. I mentioned to you before that he knew.... I saw it in the pics, he knew. There is little comfort in any words we can say... But know that are thoughts are of you and yours in this time of need.

[DubTee]

Extremely sorry about your loss Kent. With our first child on the way, I am starting to realize the love that comes along with a child, even though the sonograms make our child look like an alien (thought a little humor might help). I am keeping you and yours in our thoughts and prayers.

[RAM]

Haven't met you or your family but my family is praying for you. Its hard to accept that God has a plan and that it was Bret's time, but just know he will do great things for many people where he is now. Heaven is a great place and he just made it that much more.

 

Like someone else already posted, let no day pass without telling your loved one's "I Love You". Enjoy the times as they go by fast.

 

-Ryan

[ceg]

Kent,

I am very sorry to here of your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Clay Goldman

[AZantlerhead]

Srry this is belated,

I don't know you, or your family, but after watching the video I feel like I do. Seems he lived and loved to the fullest extent he knew how. As I've said before it's not trajic to pass on while doing what you love. I feel the same frustrations of wanting to be with " the one" that I lost,and have a family of my own. So I know how your son felt. This maybe, why people like I and your son like pushing it to the limits doing what we love, Because we know deep down It's better on the other side where theres no pain and only love. You will be together again someday. This is fact. I'm sure he looks in from time to time on his beloved family and all I can say is I'm sorry you lost him for the time being and my prayers are with you.

 

This especially hit home, because when returning last night after another frustrateing day with my bow, I allmost had a head on. (locked umm up and swerved into the ditch avoiding rails and posts and nearly rolling my pick up) but avoided a very messy accident somehow wich would have been my fault. I didn't tell my father but was pretty shook up and still am(sometimes I really question myself) . He never really says I love you but I know he would be devasted if I passed on, and I him( actually it's my worst fear in life, I hope I go first). Somehow, we Rugged hunters are just big wimps when it comes to stuff like this. Brett had a heart of gold I'm sure, and for this on judgement day, Jesus will tell the heavenly father so and he shall dwell in the house of the lord, for ever and ever, amen. But don't be afraid to speak out loud to him sometimes, he just might be listening.

 

I'm sorry , God Bless.

[krp]

Dustin, thank you for your reply. I am sorry for the hardships going on in your life and hope for healing, as I did my own son. Life is so tough. My Grandmother used to tell me that every once in awhile a little happiness peeks it's head up in life, otherwise it's a bunch of Sh*T. She spoke true, loving her family was where she found her happiness.

 

The feelings you have, we all have, young, old, it don't matter. Aloneness when surrounded by others. Uselessness, when others see us shining, I've read your posts and seen the shine. Loss so great we want to just quit. Who would care? I'm a loner like you Dad, right? so my son used to say.

 

Hundreds would care, There were over 150 at his quickly thrown together memorial, many I had never met and some from out of state that only met him in person a few times. Each with their own memorial of what he meant to them. The reaccuring theme is, 'Bret helped me so much when I was at my lowest in life, he would use gental words or shake me up with harsh words to get me back on my feet, He knew just what to say'. We still receive some every week from those that were late in learning and look to us to help them in their new grief. I grasp for every word said or written, that's all I have left. I no longer can look in the future with both eyes, the past is all I have for one of them. I only have half a future left, I only have half a soul, my daughter. The half of soul I have left is bloody and painful from being ripped in half.

 

I also have two seperate personallities now, it's hard to explain. One tries to be normal and deal with the world with humor and manners. Heal itself from the pain by returning to normalcy. Not forget but show outwardly that life is going fine. The other is a totally seperate existance, it's raging non stop, even right now. Screaming,"how do you live, how do you laugh, how do you eat, how do you write, your son is dead, your son is dead, fool".

 

You don't want that for your Father, Mother or siblings. I know how you feel about losing him first, it's because you are young and he is still relatively young also. As you both grow older the natural progression is much easier to understand. It's not even close to the same kind of grief. If you left, every friend you have or will have, will lose some of their future also.

 

If you lose a parent, you lost the past.

If you lose a spouse, you lost the present.

If you lose a child, you lost the future.

If you lose a sibling, you lost all three.

 

My Daughter and Son were best friends, these aren't just words but truth. My wife and I were talking to her about how we wanted our's and Bret's ashs to be handled after our passing. She started crying and was angry. "It's not fair, we were suposed to do this together, he was my life's partner,"

 

Brea wrote this for Bret's memorial.

 

First of all I would like to thank the support of all our family and friends through this difficult time. And to all the people who have been with us, helped us make phone calls, held our hands, cried with us, and any kind word or gift. We thank you with all our hearts.

 

I am still at a loss for words for what has happened. There are going to be so many things I miss about him. I still don’t comprehend that I will never get to hear my brother’s voice again or receive one of his famous bear hugs. I will not get any more IM’s inviting me to lunch, or saying stupid stuff to make me laugh. I feel so sad that there are going to be so many wonderful things in life he is going to miss, and so many important things in my life he is not going to be there for, I always looked forward to a Sister-in-law and nieces and nephews. Bret would have made a great Dad. My children will never know their uncle Bret, except for in pictures and stories.

 

Bret and I were so close in age, and he grew so fast and I was so small, he quickly out grew me. I am going to miss teasing Bret and calling him my “little” brother. He would just look at me and say,” I am not little”. I eventually just started calling him, ‘Little-Big Bro’.

 

I wish so many things. Mostly that we could go back in time and change the events of last week. I wish I would have answered the phone when he called that night. But I know none of that can be changed. Mostly I wish for peace in my family and that our memory of him will be happy and bring us joy, instead of the reminder of the sadness we feel. Finally I would just like to say, Little-Big Bro, I hope you have found peace. We will love you and miss you the rest of our lives.

 

Brea

 

You don't want one of those written about you.

 

My daughter asked me to make a slide show of her using a song she said was special to her, and how she felt about us as her parents. She said to leave out the outdoor woman pics of her and make it family. Darn. just if you're interested, I don't like other people's slide shows either.

 

 

Life's a dirty SOB, happiness will find you when it can, but not if you're gone. Death is F'ing final, and no amount of your mother rearranging your things on the shelves will bring you back.

 

Kent

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[CouesWhitetail]

Wow, that's a powerful post Kent. I think everyone here can certainly understand and sympathize with your excruciating pain and split personalities. I can't imagine how hard it is to continue on after the loss of a child. Just try and remember that your daughter and wife still need you, perhaps more than ever. Pour everything you have into your family. You know your son would not want to be the cause of any drifting apart within your family. It must be impossible to see any light now, but hopefully you will heal with time. Healing doesn't mean you love your son any less, it's just what you have to do for yourself and the rest of your family.

 

Amanda

 

[krp]

Amanda, I wasn't real sure myself how each of us in the family would have this shake out, but so far it's just made us stronger. My daughter said meaner. Like she's ever been mean in her life. Bret's buddies like to all come over every couple weeks, they don't even know why. My wife is now the mother of 5 more sons. Get's quite a laugh.

 

My daughter is a High school teacher with a SUV, well not anymore. She searched and found a Blue on Blue GTO which they made less than 1000 of and bought it. She now has the fastest car of any teacher at her school.

 

Bret has alot of spare parts so she wanted to install an exhaust he had in our garage. Came over Sunday and wanted to do the work herself with her husband and one of Bret's friends helping. She did a great job. A sister's love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So far so good at home but I can't seem to get enthused over any of the hunting trips I have planned even though I've toned it way down this year. I'm going with a guy on his first ever elk tag this fri. 23N bull, 15 tags. Killer hunt and I know the unit extreemly well. I'm not excited though I've tried to make myself be. He's counting on me and I hope I don't blow it for him. I just have to dig deeper.

 

Kent

[GRONG]

I've never been one to peruse thru this forum but was drawn to yours Kent. And even though it's been nearly 6 months but I hope things are getting better for you and your family. I never would've understood a father's love for his son till I finally had one of my own nearly 5 years ago now. It's a precious gift our God has given us for sure. Your videos were tough to watch but precious at the same time. I'm sure they were tough to put together and tough to share with your friends here at this site but I can tell you we all appreciate it very much even for people such as myself who don't even know you. But I do know that you are a very blessed man to have had a son like Bret, you're also very blessed to have a wonderful daughter and wife too.

 

Thank you again.......

[krp]

Thanks Josh, may you and your son have every happiness a father and son can have. I haven't been on this site for awhile but was told of your post and I appreciate it very much.

 

I've went from a very private person to completely open on all issues since Bret's death, I can't answer why so quit questioning it. I think some of my son's personality has taken me over.

 

I haven't updated events here as I have elsewhere, some of you may have seen what's happened, other's not. For those that haven't and want to know, it starts with the elk hunt I referenced in my last post. Writing my feelings out over time and letting them stand as I felt them at the time has allowed me to see clearly, though it seems I'm confused in the words themselves. My family and myself will never come fully to grips with what happened but we've been able to express our feelings and fears, understanding, we are stronger than ever, love Bret and each other even more.

 

Here's the rest of the story, It was written over months and changing emotions, it's very long. I still struggle daily with missing my son but have exercised most other issues I felt by voicing and facing them.

 

I can't say I really cope. I've just totally split myself.

 

One side I am calm, people that know me may say overly calm. I can go to sleep. wake up, make coffee, converse with my wife, smile at my daughter, go to work, talk about hunting, talk about my son with those that did not know him and reminisce with those that knew him, sometimes with a tear in my eye, tell a funny story about him or laugh at someone else's story they tell me. My family thinks I'm strong, strangers may think I'm nonfeeling. That's what can be seen.

 

The other side is like a heavy metal singer doing the guttural screaming nonstop. Syllables of horrible feelings and accusations in the song. Accusations of every disappointment I've been as a father, to my son. Vulgarities repeating themselves over and over, aimed at cracking the other side. I could be sitting next to God and it would still be nonstop, unless Bret was sitting on my other side. That's what can't be seen.

 

Right now the calm side is stronger, has to be for my family, though it's been close a few times. Insanity is right there behind the door. Luckily my sleep is surprisingly void of anything about my son, I have a little peace.

 

I love humor, it is the main thing keeping me above. It is the core of our family. My wife say's it's the thing I had going for me and what turned her head. If you saw my wife you would say the same thing every other guy has said, including myself. What the heck is that girl doing with that guy, probably cousins. No kidding, my friends said that to me when they met her, she's your cousin or something, no way a date. I never even thought of asking her out, she had to get my sister to make me. My kids got her looks and my humor, no one that's met them haven't loved them, they are so much better than I. What every Father hopes for.

 

When God and I get face to face, Bret better be standing there to greet me or that's the last God will see of me, because I will be going to find my son. We're having a stare down right now, and I'm not blinking. I'll see him soon enough.

 

But for the grace of God, there go I.

 

I've used that litany many times in my life praying for other's loss.

 

God's grace was not around for my son, he must have been busy counting feathers on a bird.

 

God received his son back after death on earth, it was a homecoming. He only lost his son when he was born to man and could still have contact with him.

 

Did God withhold his grace because Bret was upset at him for not answering any of his prayers concerning getting work and relationship problems. Bret told me God didn't care about him. I couldn't be there with my son that night, but God was there.

 

Were you there God, when we came home after 3 days of working with my brother and my Father putting rock on a cabin in the mountains, talking about Bret going back to school and going in the Army after getting enough college credits. 3 generations working together, discussing his future and making plans. He was smiling then. Were you there when his friends called to see if he wanted to come out that night after we arrived home and he jumped in the shower, then asked me through the door to get his things from the truck so he could change and go. Thanks, were the last words he said to me, he was smiling then. Were you there when he decided to not stay at his friends place as usual but come home. His friend tried to stop him but Bret just smiled and said he was fine, and he was, I'll see you guys tomorrow he said, he was smiling then. Less than 15 min from there to home. Were you there God, when he texted his friend that the car was screwing up again and he was going to 'beat the blank out of it'. Were you there when he answered his friend's statement of 'just get home first' with 'Maybe'. Were you there when a minute later as he was in the exit lane less than two miles from our house, his car spins out across all four lanes and crashes rear first into the medium, catching in the wires and ripping his car to shreds, not a scratch on him. You had to have been there, I wish I was. Where was your soothing grace in his mind.

 

Were you there when in his rage he takes his glock out of the console and shoots himself in the head. Were you there to gather him up in your loving arms, the ending of your master plan for my sons life. Or did you spit on him and send him to heck. What you sowed you shall reap from me. Bret better be standing next to you when we meet, I'm a bad enemy.

 

Sins of the Father I guess, he was a great person.

 

The insanities close, I have to go.

 

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I said I have 2 personalities and somehow that last post just evolved. I'm tired of skirting the truth and Bret's best and worst trait was his brutal honesty, he wouldn't have it any other way. When I would cringe and show shock over some of the things he said in public, my wife would look at me and say, heck he's your son, he's just like you. I told her, man, I think I have a little tact. I guess maybe I don't.

 

Bret had only one negativity in his life, insomnia. He just couldn't sleep since he was 13 yrs old. It effected everything and he couldn't cope at school, didn't eat right. When he was 16 he said he was done with school and wanted to work with me like he did in the summers, at least he was tired enough to get a few hours sleep at night working construction. He said, you did all right by us doing it, it's a good living. We have been side-by-side for 11 yrs, the last couple a struggle, never would have thought work would dry up.

 

Bret wasn't ashamed of his struggle, he made it public. That drew many other young people with the same problem to him. He helped them by speaking soothingly or laying down the law with them, whatever truth he felt they needed. A main theme was stay in school, don't be like me. My wife and I are shocked with the amount of real letters(I didn't know young people knew what a letter is), emails and phone calls from these people grieving. They're all strangely the same. Bret helped me so much, he would stay up till 4 am talking to me, making me a better person. He was always there for me, no one else has ever done that for me. I can't believe he's gone. Please help me. My wife now knows how to Facebook and PM. She stay's up late every night, typing away on his computer, she sends out a long version of Bret's video we made to them. She has a purpose.

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I try to keep in shape. I'm usually very sarcastic and pretty goofy at times...though lately I've been pretty calm. I guess I'm getting old!

Seriously....I'm a great friend to those who I care about and are true friends. However I can be a dick to the fake people....MEH.

 

Bret Powell

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Bret is someone I grew up with, Bret is my friend, Bret is my best friends brother, Bret is my brother.

Bret was goofy, Bret was fun, Bret was someone that made me laugh, Bret was intense at times.

Bret is, was and always will be loved.

 

Tamie

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Bret was the most loyal and supportive friend. Everyone knows that Bret was there for them, even if they had never met. It would not do him justice to say he was my best friend...he was everyone's best friend.

 

Cam

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I suggested he go to the doctor and get some of those sleeping pills you see on TV. I've bugged him for years. He wouldn't have it. I'm not taking any drugs, they're habit forming, no way. His fiancé is bi-polar and if she didn't take her drugs she became impossible, she would forget all the time. It drove them apart and he moved back home, even though he still loved her. He decided to try sleeping pills and was doing really well I thought. Sleeping all night and eating much better. All but 2 minutes at the end.

 

 

Bret wasn't some loser that offed himself, he was somebody. There's no answers in this life.

 

 

We try to hold on, not to the soul that has moved on to a better place, but to the life here on earth. That life is like trying to grab water with our fingers, we can feel it but it slips away. We hold on to the interaction and memories of that life and grab for all the interactions in the future that we would have had, but it's no use.

 

I blame Bret, I blame myself, I blame God. While I'm in this earthly life I will not understand what happened, answers will have to wait till after. I will prepare myself for those answers. If I am right in my personal beliefs then everything will be fine. God made me in his image, I am not a servant or slave, though I've happily served him in love, we have free will. When I move on from this life I will ascend to my place prepared for me by his side. Again, I will not be a slave or servant, if I have free will on earth it will be multiplied in heaven. I believe I will be met By God, his son and my son, amen.

 

I do not believe in the scary heck 'man' would invent to hold control of the congregation. If I have to confront the 'Devil' or 'path of hopelessness' alone to retrieve my son then that's what I will do. I have been burned with pain my entire life, this last pain has burned the last fear of anything out of me. I welcome any path I may have to take and am impatient for it. I will do nothing to hurt my rights for one face to face with God. If God is shocked at my thoughts, well he made me in his image. My wife can tell him the same thing she told me. "heck, he's your son, he's just like you"! I hope my son is there with him. If not I will take the hopeless path and find him myself, I won't be a slave to that path either, just an enemy with no fear.

 

If my personal beliefs are wrong and there is no free will, well, it won't matter. A slave to the Devil or a slave to God is still only a slave. Either or.

 

I do not wish to offend anyone with my beliefs and I do understand the tenants of the bible. Our family were church builders, during my youth, for one of the Christian Denominations here in the valley based out of Kansas. We would start in a school auditorium and eventually in a few years build the buildings and the congregation. We did this three times over 10 yrs. I was being groomed for the ministry, I was shown the inner workings of the church and it's politics. I had too many questions over the ethics of some of the politics and also the obvious congregation controlling tenants written in the bible by some goat herder using fear to have control over his sheep. They had no answers for my questions, just believe in faith that you should fear God. I've never feared God and couldn't preach that to others. Again no wish to offend, my sisters fear for my soul. If they are right and I am wrong, then sins of the Father have been visited on the son. I hope I don't live to 90 like most in my family, I'm itching to learn the truth.

 

Till then we will continue to hold on in earthy fashion. My wife will talk about my son to any that will listen and answer those that have questions and those still looking for answers. I can't tell her there are no answers here in this life, she's found her safe place. Holdin on.

 

My daughter searched until she found a Blue-on-Blue GTO, less than 1000 made. She has been installing some of his extra mods to her car herself, with the help of some of the GTO guys. She isn't trying to get where he was at, second fastest official timed 'stock moded' GTO in the nation, he was a little famous. She is a High School Biology teacher and has the fastest car at school though. A sister's love.

 

 

Me, I just sit around going through his hundreds of pictures, finding music that speaks of our feelings and add the two for music videos. Half of me has no patience for life in the present and only waits for when I can step out of this life in the future and get on with it.

 

 

I think what tears me apart now is I need to stay here and take care of those of mine in this life. I also need to go somewhere to make sure one of mine is being taken care of someplace else. I'm staring right at God waiting for him to tell me something. I need to know.

 

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The saga continues

 

1 In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. Well if you want to know the rest look up Job chapters 1 and 2. Here’s a newer version.

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In the land of Az there lived a man named Kent. He was stupidly stubborn, loved his God ‘without fear’ and shunned evil.

 

One day the angels [a] came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. 7 The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"

Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

8 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Kent? There is no one on earth like him; he is stupidly stubborn, a man who does ‘not fear’ God and shuns evil."

9 "Does Kent have no fear of God for nothing?" Satan replied. 10 "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his concrete foundations are spread throughout the land. 11 But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."

12 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."

Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.

 

The Deceiver, bringer of hopelessness, master of depression and despair , turned off any hope of income to sustain the family. Brought death to the womb of the daughter, brought incurable pain to the legs of the mother, stole into the household and sowed seeds of sorrow and pain and death to the son. Being stupid and stubborn, Kent stood up and demanded answers and made real threats to the same that stole into his house.

 

On another day the angels [a] came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2 And the LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"

Satan answered the LORD, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

3 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Kent? There is no one on earth like him; he is stupid and stubborn, a man who fears no God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his stubbornness, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason."

4 "Skin for skin!" Satan replied. "A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face."

6 The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life."

7 So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Kent with broken bones, hypothermia, shock in the wilderness. Satan knelt close to Kent after he had drug himself out of the creek, waiting in the bottom of the canyon for help to arrive. 1 ½ hours of nonstop convulsions, finally satisfaction for Satan as Kent’s lips opened and started begging.

 

Not for release of pain, or safety in this life. But for God to send Bret to come get me. I wanted to kick the Devil in the nuts so bad, I’m after him now, dirty SOB. I felt him leave when I knew Bret wasn’t coming and I rededicated my life to my family here. That rededication is what lifted me through the pain of 2 hrs getting out of that heck hole.

 

Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Kent? There is no one on earth like him; he is stupid and stubborn, a man who fears no God and shuns evil.

“God I guess! Satan replied. “Too stubborn to know when I beat him“. As he was turning to leave God smiled and replied “Just be happy you didn’t kill him, I think you need the time to find a place to hide those nuts”. Satan left muttering to himself, ”SH!T” was the last word heard.

 

God looked down at Kent and asked,” Ok, but what happened to the calf?”

 

Ah, The Calf, now that’s a story.

 

Walter had an elk tag, his first ever after 14 bps. We have a mutual friend Mike who is my hound running buddy. We had met a few times before on different hunts and he is a good guy. He drew a 23N early archery bull tag, great tag to have but hard on a rookie. He spent a lot of time scouting this summer but this is one of the units you better know the area and elk together to have success. All those that would normally come and help him were just unable to because of the economy and we all work in construction. Just having 40 bucks for fuel is a struggle sometimes. Walter himself only had enough to get up there with food for 2 weeks and 80 gals of fuel total. I wasn’t any better.

 

First morning we glass across a canyon and pick up 4 different herds and some satellite elk. Some good bulls in the spotter. Some just in the forest and others just in the rez. We drop off into the bottom and cross the creek to check on some low wallows and springs. We glass up a herd with 6 cows and a 340ish black bull that had been wallowing on the ridge 300 yds above us. We watch them for an hour until they cross into the rez. I walk Walter through all the benches and breaks so he is used to the area.

 

In the bottom before we head up to the truck there is a herd of cattle in the creek. A late dropped calf about 3 days old is romping around playing, sure was a cute guy.

 

After we get back up to the truck Walter say’s, I don’t think I can do that hill again, it’s too hard. I said, sure you can, there’s big elk over there.

 

Well, we ended up hunting different areas and did have an opportunity at a great bull but the first rookie mistake cost us. He did get a shot but shot over.

 

He was still reluctant to go back in the best area so we went to my #3 spot. Immediately found herd tracks and had a response at 4:00 20 mins after arriving. By 4:45 the bull and one cow were right on top of us, I had moved back 100 yds calling so couldn’t see but knew Walter was about to. Suddenly the wind hit’s the back of my neck after being in my face the whole time and crash/bam that was it. Walter got a glimpse and said he was about to move in the open close, he felt he was big. We followed for about a mile and got close again but they knew we were there. I got a 2 sec look at the bull moving in the trees, seemed great on the tops.

 

Coming out I hear a bugle and cow call below, I’m sure it’s a hunter but setup in case. Sure enough 2 guys come walking up the path, I stand up and see their shoulders slump. As they turn around to leave I cow squeal at them and go to talk to them. One is a guide I’ve met a few times through a mutual friend and I know his dad. Really good guy and family. He said they had been on that bull for 3 days and it was the one they really wanted. We discussed the bull and he was a good one. I suggested to Walter that with only 15 tags in the entire area, we should allow them to hunt the bull they found first and wanted badly by themselves. He was reluctant but agreed it was the fair thing to do. He did have his chance and he would have killed it if it stepped out before the wind.

 

Day 5 sees us back in the canyon and working a couple bulls but just can’t get them to move.

 

Coming out the cattle calf is by itself, he’s on the wrong side of the fence, no herd anywhere, I try to catch him but he won’t let me.

 

Walter goes home day 6 and comes back afternoon of day 7. I stop by the guides camp and they haven’t got the bull yet but still after him. That afternoon we head into the canyon, at the creek all of a sudden the calf comes out of some bushes, crosses the creek and puts it’s head up against me, he’s shaking and weak. Walter feels bad also but the bulls are bugling and there’s only 2 hours light left. We decide, on the way out, to drive all the way to the ranch and leave a note on the rancher’s fence. We can’t get that calf out that steep slope, they’ll need a horse.

 

We had 2 bulls working and coming in, both winded us and moved back to their original spots and continued bugling. One was just in the rez and he was a growler, never saw him. The other was a squealer that I thought was a rag, we could have easily moved on that bull in the forest. As we were leaving at grey light, I saw some cows come out of the bedding areas. I hear squealer working up from the bottom and then into the open. He was a 7, good everything, with some of the longest mains I’ve ever seen. Squealer fooled me.

 

The next morning we headed in with headlamps, worked up into an area that holds a ton of elk. They were at it already. We come out of the bottom into a high bowl and have a herd right above us at 150, the bull is 350 plus, time to get’r done. I motion Walter forward and he sets up. After 30 mins the bull starts horning the cows and I know they will move. I motion Walter to move a little more sideways but he’s unsure and only crawls 10 yds. They come within 55 yds. He draws but doesn’t have an open enough shot, I’m glad he didn’t force it. There’s 2 more bowls to check and the second has a trick tank in the bottom, six cows eat out of the bowl as we watch, bulls are bugling all over just in the rez.

 

It’s threatening rain all morning, 12:00 and bulls still bugling, we start over to the path the six cows used when the rain and lightning start. I took huge pieces of bark from a large suspended log and made a little shelter and we hunkered down, warm and dry. Just then an elk popped over the ridge on the same path the others came down, it was a rag 6pt, we were 200 yds and no way to move in the open. Then another and another. Then a big bull, more cows and another 340ish bull. About 50 elk total. If it hadn’t been raining we would have been right there. It took them 3 hrs to move across the slope and into the rez, it rained the whole time.

 

At 4:00 we caught a break in the rain and decided to head out, try again in the morning. Takes us an hour to reach the creek and cross over. I come to the bushes where the calf was the day before, it’s 5:00, I wonder if the rancher even got the note. I debate on crossing the creek again just to look for a calf that probably isn’t there. I take a long step to reach the bedrock slab under the water. My foot hit’s the rock and slides forward on the slime, I’m thinking, crap I’m going to get wet and hear a snap. It wasn’t that violent of a fall, no way I broke anything. My foot and half my leg pointed the other way told a different story. In denial I grabbed my foot and put it back in place, bones grinding, it fell back over.

 

Walter is coming back and asking what I was doing in the creek. I told him I broke my leg and it didn’t register with him. I’m dragging myself out of the creek and the scene finally comes real for him, he’s looking at my leg and about to panic. I grab my foot again to put it in a more comfortable position and he say’s, don’t look at it! I tell him I’m going to pass out in a second , be calm. He say’s no don’t, but I already had.

 

I wake up from a nice dream, take stock and yep it’s real. I leave my broke leg in the cold water for the pain and swelling. Walter doesn’t know what to do, everything’s soaked and no way to make a quick fire, an hour of light left. I tell him to just go and get my brother camped 9 dirt miles away. Get the rancher if possible after but that may take too much time to go that far. He takes off running before I can tell him to bring duct tape and my trekking pole out of my truck. The wait begins.

 

The shaking begins. I don’t know if it’s from hypothermia, shock or both. The shaking causes my pain more than anything. I can stop it for small periods with breathing but not for long. I estimate my chances if I was alone and think I could maybe get up the slope but I’m not very sure, 30% maybe, I would have at least warmed up trying. I get upset over everything happening in my life, the broken leg will heal but it represents another hardship for my family as far as earning a wage, surviving these economic times is tough enough. I think of Job, first his worldly possessions, then the lives of his family and finally his own body. Well I’m not Job, and in my anger I begged my son to come from the other side and get me so I can kick some butt. Didn’t get me anywhere. My death is not my own so my life is neither. My wife and daughter will now make more of my outdoor decisions for me, I think they are relieved, no more hunting alone is what I’ve already heard.

 

It seems like forever, it’s getting darker but it’s cloudy also. I hear doors slamming up the mountain, more than a couple. I blow my bugle trying not to sound like an elk to much, nothing. A few minutes latter I hear more doors slamming, bugle again, nothing, I guess someone sightseeing. More waiting.

 

I see bodies coming down the slope, more than a couple, they’re far away. I keep bugling. They reach the bottom and I don’t see them anymore, I keep bugling. From behind me I hear a girl say, I’ve found him! I can’t turn around I’m stiff. She puts her hands on me and the dam breaks and tears flow, I don’t know why. I tell her I’m sorry, she say’s that’s perfectly alright.

 

I’m surrounded by people, a family in fact, out scouting for the late rifle hunt and a son that will be coming from the military if I remember right. There were at least the father and another man his age, 3 daughters and the 3 son-in-laws and the mother and one newborn, could have been more. They put coats on me and reassured me, tell me Walter saw them on the road and will be back soon with my brother. I owe them more than I can say. Thank you doesn’t cut it. As we were waiting for Walter I told them about the calf, they looked around close but it wasn’t there.

 

I believe Walter told me the father was a fireman, he knew his stuff. Kept me alert through the pain out, kept me busy. That and my family in my mind saw me through 2 hrs of heck. A 6 in diameter by 5 ft log was my splint. As they were tying it on I asked them to get my foot lined up, the girl said, Please don’t look at it!

 

After being loaded in the truck and saying hasty thanks and goodbyes, I was asked more than once to let them know if I find out anything about the calf.

 

I arrive in Payson and the emergency room an hour latter, my brother and I, Walter is coming after more thank yous to my savior family. The biggest shock they had was a log tied to my leg, acted like it wasn’t normal or something. As they were applying a temporary splint for the night the nurse told me it would hurt when they straightened the foot, I said Ok. In shock she said, Well, please don’t look at it! We had a lot of laughs about that and of course everyone had to hear about the calf, again and again. Everyday all the nurses wanted to know if Walter found out about the calf. On checkout day the surgeon came in to give me my last instructions and prescription after everything and as he was turning to leave he asked if I knew anything about the calf, I told him sorry, no. He just nodded his head.

 

I was saved a lot more pain and suffering by a family that cared for a stranger. Walter did a great job getting the right help and taking care of the situation like a champ. My brother is, well my brother, we do for each other without complaint. I feel like I ruined Walter’s hunt that he waited so long for, he never got an elk. He feels bad because I was helping him on his hunt but it was all my fault.

 

He called me Wed and said he was going home a day early, said he found the calf 100 yds from where I fell, curled up and barely alive. Drove down and told the rancher who said he did find the note but not the calf. Walter flagged the tree so anyone could find the calf and the rancher said he would go try to save him. Don’t know if Walter told me that to feel better or if it really happened.

 

I don’t know what the heck happened to that calf!

 

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Life goes on of course. All this above I’ve written over the last months, just combined it together. And people say I inspire them, helped change their life. I’ve learned to take pictures and music and make family stories/feelings so all can see. And people say I’m special, caring, amazing.

 

I’m a failure, as a husband, father, friend.

 

My friend Mike called me, he has fought alot of demons in his life, substance abuse and his younger brother overdosed 3 yrs ago. He had given up on God years ago and made jokes about being excommunicated from the Mormon church in Utah, and he really was for his behavior. I've known him for 10 yrs at least, we play in a Wednesday golf group of about 50 guys that's been going on for 30 yrs. Anyway, I was never very tolerant of his antics on the course, just ignored him. The last couple years he has been invited in our inner family and friends, he's now a regular when we do get-togethers, card night, ect.

 

He falls off the wagon now and then but it doesn't last long and he rights himself. He's in love with my wife, he's respectful about it. He's not the only one, a lot of my friends are in love with my wife, she has a way of making everyone feel special, in a nonflirting way. His main talent is the gift of BS and organizing events. The day Bret died, he was the third person to come over, my daughter, my sister and him, I don't know how he even found out. He asked if he could take care of the memorial and other issues for us. The amount of work he did, all the donations including the golf course supplying the conference room and food, setting up for 150 people, MCing the event, an incredible amount of work.

 

Anyway, he calls, we talk for an hour. He wanted to tell me he watched my videos and it spurred him to sit down and write for hours. A Christmas message that was 6 pages long, a circle of his life, including the events of his brother's death, ending with his love for his two sons and renewed faith in God that was so moving. The main part of the conversation was. How come when we get older, it's so easy to see what's really important in life, why couldn't we see it earlier. He wanted to thank me for never judging him and staying his friend when he did stupid stuff, allowing him to help us with Bret and all the good he experienced with the outpouring of those that loved Bret, it overwhelmed him.

 

I feel like a fake, I judged him all the time in my head. I never really liked him that much, though I did have compassion for him and his brother. Even after he started doing things with us, he would upset me at times and I judged him unworthy again, just never said anything to him. I’m the one unworthy, I’ve been that way my whole life.

 

Unworthy of having such a great wife and kids, how they put up with me I don’t know. I never went to a bar after work like a lot of guys, I was a great father. I never chased other women, I was a great husband. I never gave my family my total commitment, I was a piece of crap.

 

How many times did I wake up at 4am on a Saturday/Sunday and grab my bow or shotgun or fishing pole , to many to count. If my wife woke up I would tell her I was going and she would just roll back over, if not she would just know I went when she woke and that was that. How many times did my kids wake up and daddy was gone when they wanted to do something with me. I wasn’t at the bar or chasing women, I was doing something wholesome, I was a great father and husband. Every once in awhile I would plan and take them with, on nonserious trips. Took me until my wife was in her mid thirty’s until I started taking her on every trip if she wanted, she loved it. I cheated my family and myself, I was truly an Ahole because I thought I wasn’t.

 

 

Looking back, it seems I've done for others more than my own wife and kids. I know the first 10-12 years of my children's lives I was gone hunting and fishing all but 3 or 4 weekends from Aug archery till after spring fishing was over, with only a few trips involving them. I had changed alot in the mid/late 90s, after my kids were teenagers, but it was that my wife came along every time and my kids if they wanted. My daughter quite often, my son seldom to then never. Not, that I turned to what they wanted more often. Lived that till now. I'm not talking 10 trips a year to the lake or mountains, I'm talking 30 to 40. Squeezed in a couple years coaching my son at boys club basketball, because he was the only one that had a father sitting in the stands and they hadn't enough coaches, I should have pursued those situations many times more. Should have attended more of my daughter's concerts, supported her more in acting classes. Woulda, coulda, shoulda, I know. I justified it by thinking I was home every afternoon after work, didn't live off a 6 or 12 pack every evening, involved in sports or acting classes if they didn't happen on the weekends. I really thought I was better than others.

 

The disturbing thing with my friend Mike is, he really thinks I turned his life around and I didn't do anything and at times wished he wasn't around. He thinks my silence was acceptance and nonjudgmental. It was really just ignoring him. I like him sometimes when he is clean and acting normal, other times if he's stoned and especially if he wants to drive with his kids in the vehicle, I get upset and force him to see what he's doing. He thinks I'm his friend then and all I want is his kids to be safe…… screw him, I think.

 

Acts and thoughts are two different things, I suppose I've done good of both, I know I've done worse with both.

 

I guess this all came to a head, seeming nonrelated issues merged. I made those slide shows for one reason and the memories of what they represent personally to me are something totally different. What others don't see is I'm not in alot of these pictures, sometimes because I'm taking them but mostly because I'm not there. Mike telling me I inspire him, people on Cheryl's facebook commenting how great we are together. That’s not the message, my family is great, I’m just around for the ride.

 

I'd allowed what I thought was my passion for hunting/fishing to override my commitment to my family. Seems innocent enough until I realize what I missed and the years of disappointment I caused. I know it is the reason my son rejected the outdoors until just this last year, when we went fishing, camping and shed hunting. He saw what it did to his mother and it upset him. An addiction is an addiction and never positive.

 

I believed the old saying, she knew what I was like before and what she was getting into marrying me. Total BS, she just loved me more than I loved her and she lived the truth of that and I didn't deserve that love. There is a double meaning in the words of, I Thought I Loved you Then, I used on her video.

 

 

I still didn't put her first after Bret's death. I went hunting with someone I only met a couple times on that elk hunt. I thought, I just have to get away, recharge, BS again, I even lie to myself. He had a 23 early elk tag and I was going to put him on a monster. I told my wife I was going hunting and she asked who it was. I told her and she asked, you don't know him? She didn't even question it again, just used to it. I was gone 8 days and planning longer. Broke my leg.

 

She told me quietly sometime after when I was in the hospital, if I'd died our daughter would have been left on this earth by herself. I know the truth of that, she couldn’t have taken that loss so close to Bret’s and that’s what I risked for some stupid passion I should have directed years ago to my family.

 

I can now say I truly love her more than she loves me, I don't think that helps anything though. I’ve had some great fishing trips, hunts and kills, what a waste I’ve been.

 

 

Kent